


An Idiot’s Guide to Extorting Your Friends

by Gay_as_fuck



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Banter, Comedy, Developing Friendships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Friendship, Gen, Male Friendship, One Shot, POV Third Person Limited, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Vignette, but its rvb, but only slightly - Freeform, s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 01:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16295450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gay_as_fuck/pseuds/Gay_as_fuck
Summary: While he was still in charge Captain Flowers created the Blue Team swear jar. Some semblance of the tradition manages to remain, only with new rules despite protest and disaster. Or, four times a member of Blue Team has to pay up.





	An Idiot’s Guide to Extorting Your Friends

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to put tex, carolina, and sister in this fic but I was running out of steam fast so :/// As much as I claim to be a red team member blue team is a fucking mess and I love them and all their bullshit. The sections are (in order) 
> 
> 1- the swear bucket (church)  
> 2- the killed the leader jar (caboose)  
> 3- the fucked up self-punishment jar (wash)  
> 4- the blue team bullshit jar (tucker)

1\. 

Church wakes up to the sound of glass shattering and his first thought is “it’s too fucking early for this”. He thinks about it for a moment and decides whatever it is the Reds are doing the best thing for the newly appointed Blue Team leader to do is hunker down and let it blow over. 

When he hears Tucker yell “Caboose” he pulls himself out of bed as fast as he can and dons his armor right away. Caboose is a force of nature intent on destroying Blue Base before any army can. Maybe he is a super strong robot sent by the Reds, but that is probably just the paranoia kicking in. 

Ignoring his trauma bullshit as best he can Church rushes out of his room already more pissed off than he should be so soon after waking up.

“What The Fuck is going on here!” He shouts and Tucker, the cheeky bastard, responds as quickly as he can with “Swear Jar!”. Church lets out something between a groan and a grumble on instinct. 

“I’m not putting money in the fucking swear jar! Flowers is dead I shouldn’t have to do it!” Tucker gives a bark of a laugh as if he’s in on a joke. Church grinds his teeth at that and points at Tucker. 

“As soon as I fix what Caboose did I’m coming for you.” Tucker lets the threat roll off his shoulders, chill as always. 

“That’s actually what’s up. I told Caboose that he could really help me by practicing with the goddamn sniper rifle and he took out the swear jar.” 

“So we were having an argument about something that’s not there anymore?” Church grits out and Tucker shrugs through the armor. 

“Well it’s still here, just y’know, in pieces. Damn who’d have thought Caboose could use the sniper rifle and you can’t” He starts to laugh again, a little more honest this time. Church cuts it off with a complaint.

“I can use the sniper rifle it’s just a shitty gun is all.” Tucker steps aside to reveal the scattered remnants of Flowers’ swear jar. The top is still attached to a portion of the glass and there’s clearly no fixing it. 

“So, where’s Caboose.” Church asks to which Tucker tilts his head to one side. 

“I don’t know man, he left as soon as I shouted his name. Maybe he shot himself in the gun with the rifle, that’d be great.” 

“Fuck. Let’s find him I don’t want him breaking the tank.” Tucker considers it for a moment but follows Church when he steps away from the glass shards. Their heavy boots make crunching sounds that are almost pleasant to hear. 

They need to find Caboose before he does something stupid like kill them or himself. After all, the first rule of Blue Team is “Don’t kill the leader.” Tucker can bite it for all he cares, but Church wants to stay alive. 

A quick scan of the valley via sniper rifle scope leads to a worrying conclusion, Caboose is nowhere in sight. That means either, the Reds have him or he’s in the caves. Tucker is leaning next to him on the edge of Blue Base’s roof. 

“Dude, do you think the Red’s have him?” Tucker asks, taking forever to catch up to Church’s assessment. He doesn’t bother responding until Tucker finishes talking to himself. 

“Or he could be in the caves, which would suck.” Church still doesn’t respond but his trigger finger itches. “It’s so wet and tight down there. Bow chicka wow wow.” Church wishes he could turn around slowly and blow off the smug smile he knows is under Tucker’s helmet along with the rest of his face.

Instead, the just says “Shut the Fuck up!” and attempts to shoot, but when he pulls the trigger the gun must jump bc the bullet hits the wall behind Tucker. It does manage to force off a panel which lands with a clang right next to Tucker. 

“Watch out! That could have crushed me.” Unstated is the fact that Church can’t aim the god damned sniper rifle but the message gets through. He turns the rifle back towards the fields and looks over the fields again. 

“That was a warning shot. I’ll hit you for real next time.” Tucker probably doesn’t believe him but stays silent anyways. Unfortunately the quiet doesn’t last. 

“Oh hey, Church!” He lets out a groan because it’s Caboose. Then he takes a pause and remembers, oh he’s been looking for Caboose.

“Where the hell have you been dude?” He practically screams and frantically scans the field for Caboose but still can’t spot the telltale blue armor. 

“I was getting a new bucket.” The door to the roof opens and there is Caboose, holding a bucket in his hand. Tucker turns right around and replies “What?” before Church can so much as growl. Caboose, completely unphased, continues to babble. 

“Tucker killed the last one so I thought I’d make us a new one! I had nothing to do with this morning.” Church grits his teeth and attempts to make sense of what’s just been said to him. His eyes drift down to the bucket in question, a beat up rusted thing that was probably left behind by the people who build their godforsaken base. 

“Why would we need a bucket?” Tucker steps into the trap of expecting a reasonable answer from Caboose. 

“We need a bucket”, Caboose starts using his patronizing tone, “because Church killed the old one this morning.” Tucker doesn’t say anything else, he just kind of stares blankly with his head to one side considering what the actual fuck Caboose is saying. 

And then it hits Church all at once. He lets out a laugh, something grating and sarcastic which draws the attention of his teammates. 

“The swear jar. The fucking swear jar.” Is all he has to say for Tucker to catch on and he lets out a grumble. Church is sure he hears him mutter “yeah I fucking knew that of course” under his breath. 

“So, now what? We’re just going to put coins in a god damned bucket?” Church raises his voice and stomps over to snatch the bucket out of Caboose’s hands.

“Church I think you need to put some money in,” Caboose says completely seriously and Church fails to contain a frustrated scream. 

“I hate to admit it but Church is right. I could just take money out of the bucket anytime I wanted.” Tucker pipes up with a laugh lining his voice. “Though I suppose I could have done that with the jar too.” He finishes a little more seriously. 

“It’s the spirit of the thing you idiots!” Church yells which cause Caboose to take a step forward. 

“It is all right Church, we will just put this on it.” He holds out some tape on which he can make out “Swear Jar” in Caboose’s neatest handwriting. He looks up to Caboose who, despite having his helmet on, looks like a puppy about to be kicked. 

He takes the tape from Caboose’s fingers and sticks it onto the bucket. Caboose nods and Tucker laughs a little when he drops it to the ground. 

“Consider that my fucking payment.” He says the moment the bucket stops making a metallic echo. 

“Swear Jar!” Caboose and Tucker scream in unison, both pointing right at Church. He grabs the bucket while growling swears under his breath and chucks it has far as he can. It wouldn’t have gotten very far had it not run into the air catapult thingy and been sprung 100 feet into the middle of enemy territory. 

“I will get it,” Caboose says cheerfully and rushes off. Escape is futile and Church hangs his head. 

2\. 

Caboose isn’t sure why he’s being asked to contribute to the swear jar if he didn’t swear. He just pauses and stares at the dented bucket in front of him. Tucker grumbles something under his breath and speaks up. 

“It’s simple. I don’t know how to punish you for killing Church without killing you too, so you’re going to have to put all your money in this bucket.” Caboose understands the words but still, he stares at the bucket, not moving an inch. 

“But I did not swear.” He repeats and Tucker brings his hands up to bang his helmet with. “I could swear.” Caboose concludes since this will agree with Tucker and the rules of the Swear Jar. After all, Church liked the bucket because it had rules. 

“You don’t have to just put all your money in there.” He hisses out and points to the bucket. Caboose doesn’t move his feet, he only lifts his finger up to tap the chin of his helmet. 

“I would have to swear a lot though.” Caboose concludes after completely ignoring Tucker’s order. He is not the leader so Caboose doesn’t have to listen to him. That reminds him of something so Caboose just burst out. 

“Who is the new leader of Blue Team?” This gives Tucker pause for a moment and when he speaks again his anger seems forgotten. 

“Me, clearly.” Caboose shakes his head which draws a strange sound of Tucker. “I’m the perfect leader. I mean, chicks love a man in uniform.” He basks in his own glory for a moment before swearing under his breath. “Fuck, we’re already in uniform! I could have been using that!” 

“Swear Jar Tucker.” Caboose comments solemnly and Tucker, to his credit, does not attempt to shoot Caboose. Instead, he stutters out a reply through his frustration. 

“I- you can’t- I’m not putting any fucking money in the swear jar and if you tell me I need to pay for that I swear to god you’ll be deader than Church.” Caboose wisely keeps his mouth shut. In the corner of his eye, something fades into focus and it takes Caboose a moment but he realizes he’s looking at Church’s ghost. 

“Hey. Boo motherfuckers. I’m here to haunt your ass.” The ghost Church says which draws the attention of Tucker. He just kind of stares for a moment which ghost Church is clearly loving. 

“Look, I know it’s impressive but I’ve got to depart a message okay losers. Don’t fuck with Tex, he’s bad news.” Tucker doesn’t respond to that but Caboose is collected enough to. 

“It is good you showed up Church because we were just arguing over the swear jar. I think that you should pay because Tucker wants us to swear and pay.” This immediately draws two groans from his teammates. 

“That is not what I said at all. Fuck dude just give me your money!” Tucker’s shouting at the end while ghost Church tilts his head to one side. 

“What was that Tucker, have you been trying to assert power. If I’m correct I’m still the leader Tucker, so give me all your money.” Tucker flips off ghost Church and glares as best he can. 

“You’re dead, you can’t be the leader.” Church gives an indignant huff and looks to Caboose. “Back me up Caboose.” Caboose hums to himself as he considers the question. 

“Come on! Don’t tell me you think Tucker is right. It’s Tucker, you hate him only a little less than I do.” Tucker seems a little taken aback at that but he doesn’t speak. Caboose doesn’t answer and Church takes his silence as proof enough. 

“Fucking come on!” Church throws his hands up in the air and groans. 

“Whether you are still the leader you still have to put money in the swear jar.” Caboose comments since it’s a reasonable thing to say. 

“Fuck you! I’m a ghost! I don’t have to pay taxes!” Church shouts back and then turns sharply to Tucker who sounds like he’s dying. It takes them a moment to realize that he’s laughing. Church and Caboose just stare at him until what can best be described as a fit passes. 

“You’re back from the dead and all we can do is argue about the swear jar! It’s a miracle! We should become hardcore Christians or something.” 

“Why the fuck would Blue Team get a miracle! If anything this is a curse.” Church probably means it as a joke but it falls flat. The trio is left in an awkward silence as each attempt to contemplate if they really are cursed.

“You still have to pay,” Caboose says no one in particular. 

“At this point a swear jar is useless. We need a bullshit jar or a killed the leader jar.” Tucker quickly cut off his own tangent. 

“We really do need a killed the leader jar. Come on Caboose pay up.” Caboose understood the order and fiddled around in his pockets until he found a five dollar bill. He quickly deposited it in the jar and shook his head. 

“I’m sorry for killing you Church.” Church let out a snort before giving a reply. 

“Damn right.” Tucker picked up the bucket and held it out towards Church. He pushed it forwards again when Church didn’t offer any money. 

“W-What?” Church sputtered and held his hands back from the bucket. 

“Come on, you killed Flowers and now we have new rules so pay up.” Church sputtered again in an attempt to find a good reason to ignore their request. 

“Tucker,” Caboose started again in his patronizing tone, “Ghosts don’t have money.” Tucker saw his point easily and used his free hand to facepalm his helmet. 

“Okay, let’s go raid his room then.” 

(Years later, when Carolina finally kills the director and leaves the reds and blues on their own Church will ask her to leave a coin for them. “Tying up loose ends”, he says and his teammates understand, but it does not make the departure any easier.) 

3\. 

“Dude, you’re doing it again.” Tucker is sitting on the couch with his armor off and sipping from a cup of hot water since they ran out of coffee yesterday. 

“What?” Wash snaps back, not exactly meaning for the tone of his voice to sound the way it does. 

“The thing you do where you like decide you need to be punished or something. And not in the fun way Bow chicka bow wow.” They’re having what Tucker probably means as a serious conversation and he still can’t avoid saying it. 

“Did you really need to say that?” Wash knows the answer but asks the question anyway. Tucker shrugs his shoulders and takes a sip of hot water. 

“It’s kinda my thing if you haven’t noticed by now.” 

“It’s a dumb thing.” He deadpans back which seems to remind Tucker what he meant to question Wash about. 

“So is your thing!” He sounds exasperated but they haven’t exactly made it clear what Tucker is trying to talk about. 

“What thing?” Wash replies, half wanting clarification and half wanting to avoid the serious question for five seconds longer. 

“The fucked up self-punishment thing!” It’s not a yell but it’s close. 

“Swear Jar.” Caboose, who has been sitting quietly and drawing in his notebook pipes up in reply. Wash and Tucker accidentally reply “Shut up” in unison. There’s a pause and Wash vaguely hopes that his friend has forgotten what he was talking about. 

“But seriously-” fuck he wasn’t that lucky, “you really need to stop like not taking your painkillers and working so hard you skip meals.” Tucker waves his hands around while coming up with examples but is careful not to spill any water. 

“ I don’t do that.” Wash fires back and internally cringe at the childishness of his response. Tucker takes a sip and raises an eyebrow before firing back a comment. 

“Oh really.” Wash feels his face go bright red and is glad for his helmet. Well, he’s always glad for his helmet because head trauma is a bitch. 

“I eat”, is all he can think to say but his stomach growls, undercutting his point. Tucker lets out a humorless laugh. 

“Dude, that’s so depressing it’s almost funny and then goes back to being depressing again. You’re such a fucking idiot.”

“Swear jar.” Caboose pipes up again, still focused on his sketchbook and ignoring most of the conversation. 

“This is a serious conversation! Swear Jar doesn’t count for serious conversations, don’t you know the rules?” Tucker replies with the authority of the man has been on Blue Team the longest. 

“But we don’t have a serious conversation jar.” Caboose’s tone drifts the way it always does when he’s confused. Tucker stands up at that and finishes his water in a few gulps. He sputters after the last sip and fans his mouth. 

“Fuck! That’s hot!” Luckily Caboose pipes up before Tucker can think to implement his favorite catchphrase. 

“Swear jar!” Tucker ignores Caboose’s suggestion as he looks over the mug he’s holding. After mentally debating something he turns to Caboose and holds out a hand. 

“Toss me a marker.” Caboose takes a moment to pick out a grey one and attempts to toss it at Tucker but it falls flat a few inches from his hand. Tucker lets out a sign and stands up to get it. 

“Okay, I should have expected that.” He mutters to himself and returns to where he was sitting. On the mug, he draws over the “UNSC” logo and writes something underneath. Upon closer inspection, the mug now says “The Fucked Up Self Punishment Jar.” 

“It’s not a jar,” Wash comments as he slips one hand into his pocket to fish around for spare change. 

“It’s the spirit of the thing,” Tucker replies and holds the cup out to Wash who is folding up a one dollar bill. Tucker raises an eyebrow as Wash finishes his project, a little paper plane. He tosses it towards the jar and it lands perfectly.

“Did you learn that in freelancer?” Caboose asks mesmerized by the plane. 

“Nah, I’m just good,” Wash replies, still the victor in spite of the situation. 

4\. 

They end up needing to rename the jar again because Agent Carolina shows up. More than just shows up, she bursts on the scene with armor the same color as Tucker’s and more anger in her heart than Wash.

In response to this radical change, Tucker and Caboose find themselves hunkered down in Red Base sharing Grif’s homemade snacks. 

“Y’know-” Tucker starts as he shoves another molasses cookie into his mouth, “this stuff is pretty good.” 

“Of course it is. I made it.” Grif fires back as he grabs another from the quickly diminishing pile. Tucker is still a little offended that Wash and Carolina have practically forced him to stay in Red Base of all places. It’s not like they kicked him and Caboose out or anything but staying at Blue Base meant he could either lock himself in his room or dare the living room where it felt like at a pin drop Carolina would kill him. 

As annoying as the Reds were at least they didn’t want to kill him and they had cookies. He chuckles to himself, what sort of upside-down world is he in where he is being sheltered by the Reds because someone else might kill him. 

Caboose shoves another cookie into his mouth as Simmons writes away in a notebook. Grif is staring off into space but he seems pretty content to just chillax. Damn, why can’t Blue Base be like this? 

“BOYS”, Sarge thunders and Tucker is reminded of why he’d rather be dead than red. The Red Team commander bursts into their blissful scene with a shotgun in one hand and a very large drawing pad under the other. 

“We need to plan! Those damn freelancers have redrawn the battle lines! We’re in brand spanking new territory, it isn’t Red vs Blue anymore! It’s us versus them! Red army versus Freelancers!”

“Hey!” Tucker cuts as he puts his half-eaten down. Caboose snatches it almost instantly but Tucker is already too pissed at Sarge to care about that. “We’re not Red Team.” 

"You've been drafted! conscripted! consigned! We need to be a team united against a common enemy, and since there are more Reds that's what we'll call ourselves." Sarge thumps his chest while Simmons tilts his head to one side. 

"If anything we should be purple," Tucker comments as he slaps Caboose's hand away from the cookie he was going for. 

"Oh! Like magenta!" Simmons pipes up drawing an eye roll from Grif. 

"That sounds like something Donut would say! Stick to your role Simmons!" Sarge orders which earn some bootlicking from Simmons. 

"Of course sir, I meant to say with the ratio of Red to Blue Magenta would probably fit the best." Grif claps him on the back with a smile before responding. 

"That's the nerd we were looking for. And hey, where is Donut?" 

"He's redoing his nails. If he doesn't come soon he'll be a rebel." Sarge shakes his head after he speaks. Caboose, who has been following the conversation as well as he can, speaks up for the first time in a while. 

"Why are we fighting?" It's a more reasonable question that Tucker had been expecting when his team member opened his mouth. 

"Yeah, why are we fighting them? Caboose and I are only here because it's annoying as hell to have two crazy ex-freelancers making war plans in your living room." Sarge doesn't even take a moment to consider what he's been asked before responding. 

"You've answered your own question! They're making a member of Red Team uncomfortable, they've caused a divide! That means they must be the enemy and shall be gone after with extreme prejudice." Tucker furrows his brows and attempts to take in what he's just been told. Grif and Simmons, who are more used to Sarge's way of being, find it in themselves to speak up first. 

"You make me uncomfortable all the time if it matters." Grif is the first to respond as he takes the last cookie from the plate. 

"And sir, I don't think we've settled the matter of a team name." Simmons follows up just a moment after. Sarge doesn't grace them with a reply instead he pushes on full steam ahead. He puts his Shotgun on his waist as he sets up the drawing pad. The first page says in bright red marker "The Red Team Plan to Destroy The Freelancers." 

"Hey hey hey!" Tucker manages to cut Sarge off before he's become unstoppable. "We're not actually going to try and kill them right? Because as much as I hate to admit it Wash is the only functional guy on our team." 

"Here destroy means figure out how to get them to relax and not bother us or make us do anything." Tucker shrugs, ignoring how that is clearly not what destroy means. 

"Sir did you only insist that we all be called Red Team since you already wrote it on the plan," Simmons asks while he pulls out a notebook and pen. 

"Of course Simmons, but we can't let the enemy know our weaknesses!" Sarge attempts to whisper which comes out at a reasonable volume. 

"But, I thought Blue Team had joined us?" Grif asks which draws a glare from Sarge. 

"Blue Team is always the enemy!" Caboose, who has grown bored by the lack of cookies, is eating crumbs off the empty plate. Sarge rips the first page off and reveals an amateurish but recognizable drawing of Tucker, Caboose, and Wash. Church is still represented as just the word “Church?”. Above all of that is the phrase “Financing the fight.” 

“Hey! We have more members than that.” Tucker attempts to defend his team who seem worse than usual when drawn by Sarge.

“Yes!” Caboose pipes up and purses his lip while he thinks. “There’s Shelia but she is not here and Church is not here. Tex is not here. Washingtub is not here. There is only Tucker and Me. Also, my drawings are much better and you should use them instead.” Tucker facepalms at that piss-poor defense of Blue Team. 

“Enough fighting ladies! Back to the plan” Sarge distracts from the conversation but Grif has a smirk after Caboose’s little speech. 

“First step! Wars cost money and we need to finance the war! Who's going to pay for it you ask?” No one asked, and the drawing gives a good idea of who is going to have to pay for it. He kicks part of the couch and a small compartment opens. He pulls out a jar and places it on the empty plate. 

“Blue Team of course! They’re the ones who are always getting us into shit!” All eyes turn on Tucker, even Caboose. 

“He is right!” Caboose sides with the enemy and Tucker resists the urge to facepalm again. 

"We lost a few jeeps to Blue Team bullshit so pay up." Grif orders after a snort of laughter. Tucker picks up the jar with one hand and fishes around in his pocket for change with the other. After pulling out a few coins he deposits them all in the blue Team bullshit jar. 

"I'm paying up now, but just remember that after this Wash is going to be the one to pay." And Carolina, but he doesn't know that yet.


End file.
